Wholeness Through Connection

“Think of a good church as a network of various relationships instead of a potpourri of programs. Fundamentally, you don’t have classes, community service projects, or even worship services. You have people who need to connect with God and other people in order to find wholeness (shalom in Hebrew). The more people become properly related to each other (zedek in Hebrew, most often translated as righteousness), the more whole they become, and the more visible Christ becomes in that church.”

Greetings!

Last month I wrote about the need to keep Jesus and his actual (as opposed to symbolic) resurrection at the center of a congregation’s life. When other things, even and especially good things, take center stage, the church ceases to be a church and becomes a cut-rate provider of things that can be gotten elsewhere. In this month’s virtual sermon for people who don’t necessarily do virtual, I want to look at the need for an intentional method of keeping people connected and involved with God, each other, and the community. This includes helping first time guests become fully involved participants in the life of the congregation.

Let’s start with those basic connections. The essence of being a Christian is to live with a healthy relationship to God and other people. As Jesus put it, we are to love God with our whole being and love our neighbors as ourselves. Christianity is thus more relational than moral or ethical. More accurately, Christianity is interested in morals and ethics to the extent that those things improve relationships. Being moral just for the sake of morality or wanting to be thought a “good” person does not cut it. What’s more, Christianity’s emphasis on grace and forgiveness does not always play well with folks who are sticklers for ethical behavior. Grace and forgiveness are, however, excellent values when it comes to relationships.

So, how do we best develop our relationships with God and other people? By making a conscious effort; by being aware of God and other people and by being aware of how we treat them. If I take others (God or people) for granted or casually, my relationships with them will always be pretty shallow. Consider the difference between a business luncheon and a dinner with a good friend. In the former, there is little interest in the other person’s background except as it relates to the business at hand. In the latter, there is a sharing of not only information, but feelings, family life, opinions and convictions, joys, challenges, heartaches, fears, and opportunities. The intent is to show and receive love, not to close a contract.

The same dynamic holds true for our relationship with God. If prayer is just a perfunctory activity or a wish list, if God is just another “business transaction” then our faith, such as it is, isn’t going to do anybody much good. If, however, we take the time to share all those things I mentioned in the previous paragraph with God, and take the time to listen to what God might want to share, then our relationship with God will deepen and shape our lives and the lives of those around us.

Of course, no relationship with other humans starts out by sharing the depths of our heart. It takes time to build the kind of trust necessary for such levels of intimacy. Not only is it not safe to share everything with someone you just met, but it’s also extremely uncomfortable for the other individual. Relationships are a process. They start on the surface and gradually build. It’s also the case that you can’t have really deep relationships with a whole bunch of people. Our social networks might be quite broad, but the number of in-depth relationships we will have is of necessity going to be much smaller. There simply isn’t the time to get to really know a lot of people really well.

So how does all of this relate to church? Glad you asked.

Think of a good church as a network of various relationships instead of a potpourri of programs. Fundamentally, you don’t have classes, community service projects, or even worship services. You have people who need to connect with God and other people in order to find wholeness (shalom in Hebrew). The more people become properly related to each other (zedek in Hebrew, most often translated as righteousness), the more whole they become, and the more visible Christ becomes in that church.

Now think of that relational network as comprising a variety of kinds and depths of relationships. Some will be on little more than a “Hi, how’re you doing?” level while others will involve a powerful sense of kinship, the kind of bonds that will support you through thick and thin. Even those relationships, however, started with a “Hi, how’re you doing?” or even a more basic, “ Hi! I’m Dave. What’s your name?” In other words, there will be all sorts of relationships developing in a healthy congregation, but everyone will have the opportunity and be encouraged to find at least one or two of those powerful connections.

To achieve this goal requires intentionality. Just inviting people for coffee after church is a place to start but unless that invitation is part of a larger and intentional plan, it will never develop the kind of relational network that the body of Christ is supposed to be. So what does such a network look like and how is it developed? While each congregation is different, there are some common principles.

First, the different needs and interests of people have to be taken into account. Some people like to discuss ideas, some enjoy the opportunity to share what’s going on in their lives (at various levels), and others are all about joining in some sort of activity. A researcher at the U of M found that guys (of all ages) tend to develop relationships in the context of activity far more than girls and women, who seem to be quite comfortable just sitting down and chatting. The more and varied opportunities for interaction a congregation can provide, the better.

Life situations also matter. A single 25-year-old mom is going to be looking for different connections than a retired couple with several grandchildren. Do not, however, think that these individuals are automatically disqualified from connecting with each other. It might well be the case that all of them have much to give and gain from getting to know each other. Still, being aware of where people are in their respective journeys is a very good thing.

Second, keep in mind the different level of connections people are looking for and need. There have to be entry level opportunities where people can meet others for the first time, have some fun, share a story or two, and just get to know each other. These groups can be quite large, though breaking up into groups of three or four for a while is a smart thing to do. There also have to be a few groups where people can share some of the things that are on their hearts and feel safe and comfortable doing so. Support groups are a common example, but they are not the only ones. I know of many churches who offer discipleship groups that feature some remarkable levels of sharing and commitment to each other. A key characteristic of such groups is that they are not very large and maintain high levels of trust and confidentiality.

Third, keep in mind the absolute necessity of keeping Christ at the center of all these groups. Our relationships with other people need to be in the context of our relationship with Jesus. We aren’t just being nice to people, we are helping them experience the love of God which is the deepest need of every person. This, in turn, leads to principle four.

Any group should have three components which will vary in terms of time and centrality from group to group. The components are prayer, sharing, and activity. A prayer group will obviously center on prayer, but it should also have time for some sharing and some sort of activity as well (sending cards to people you prayed for, for example). A men’s cookout or a book discussion will be activity centered, but again some time for sharing and a brief prayer time are essential to maintain balance. The idea here is that people are given a chance to intentionally integrate the different dimensions of a healthy spirituality in the context of their everyday lives.

A special word needs to be said about community and service. Jesus never limits the “others” in our lives to our congregation or even circle of friends. Anybody in need constitutes a neighbor to Jesus. This is why any healthy congregation is not only developing internal relationships, it’s fostering external ones as well. Note too that serving others in the community is a great way to develop both internal and external relationships. The folks who have been serving food this past year have gotten to know each other a little better as well as meeting new people.

I might add that many people are attracted to a church that has a healthy ministry to the surrounding community and world. One of the more effective methods of evangelism employed by Anita’s church is asking some of their neighbors and friends to join in one of the church’s plethora of service projects. Even if they don’t join, they come away with a very positive view of the church, which is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, church members are told not to try and pressure anyone into joining, yet, interestingly enough, the simple combination of relationship and service leads a lot of people start asking questions and eventually being baptized.

The last key that binds all the others together is intentionality. These things don’t just happen. A church has to sit down, evaluate its particular setting, and then plan and implement a way to provide and encourage the development of these various relationships. This will always be a trial and error process, but if it isn’t tried, the network of relationships isn’t going to happen.

I will close by drawing your attention to some of Pilgrim’s dynamics that will perhaps underscore what I’ve written and provide a starting point for further development.

Relationships are already a big part of Pilgrim. It is the level of friendship and support that many people have found that has drawn long time members and newcomers alike into the life of the church. In other words, there is no need to convince people of the importance of relationships. We also have a very good Membership Team so there is already some intentional activity in terms of improving our relationships.

The basic direction that needs to be taken (from my perspective) is one of developing a comprehensive relational ministry that helps everyone who joins us for worship (or other activities) make some immediate initial relationships to the degree that they are comfortable. We want to welcome people, not smother them. (And let me once again emphasize the importance of getting their contact information if they are willing to give it.)

We have attracted quite a number of new people in the last five years. We have a friendly group of people and a good worship service which have gotten us a good number of return visits. Where things have become a mixed bag is in terms of incorporation into the life of Pilgrim. I would point out that the ones who are now members (in the 2021 sense of the term), that is, those who are participating regularly, are the people who were able to connect with the more established members of the church. I would also point out that the choir (a small group that combines the activity of singing with prayer and sharing) is probably the most effective gateway into those connections.

But there are also a good number of people who have not been incorporated into Pilgrim. They come occasionally but they have few connections beyond a “Hi. How’re you doing?” A good number of them are on the younger side which means they are vital for Pilgrim continuing on for another generation, if that is what Pilgrim wants to do. To connect them will require some intentional effort. They don’t need a friendly church to do this. They need friends—people who will invite them to dinner, check in on them, etc. While I have tried to do some of this, it really needs to come from the congregation, not the pastor.

These are also the people who would probably be most interested in invitations to service projects. If you’re looking for a prototype here, consider Ronda Collier. Her interest in social justice and service in the context of Christian faith is a major reason for her now being a major part of Pilgrim’s current outreach efforts. The more Pilgrim can offer genuine Christian spirituality combined with service and justice activities, the more people like Ronda will be attracted to this congregation.

If you have any thoughts about any of this, please give me a call. Better yet, start thinking and talking with each other as to how to best take something you’re already good at (loving God and people) and expanding that to reach and enfold more newcomers and part-time attenders. Just think what a growing and vital congregation Pilgrim could be if 80% of first-time attenders became active members. It can happen, but it will take faith and intentional effort. By God’s grace, you can do this.

Blessings!

Dave